Your Cheese Horoscope

Aries (March 21-April 20) String Cheese or Babybel. 

The energy you invest in pretty much everything you set your mind to often results in grand achievements, especially at work. Your busy, pioneering nature may sometimes lead to careless accidents in the form of cuts and bruises, so use caution when handling fire and metal objects. For your own safety, you clumsy fool, opt for anything that doesn’t involve wielding a knife... like string cheese or Babybel.

 


Taurus (April 21-May 21)-Cheddar/Havarti

You need order, security, and self-assurance to truly thrive. You generally maintain very secure and stable relationships, but that may be because you’re wary of change — you try to avoid chaos and indecision at all costs. Loosen up, bro. Since you’re not a big risk-taker, your best bet is a versatile, mild, run-of-the-mill cheese.

 

Gemini (May 22-June 21)- Serra da Estrela- A tangy raw sheep cheese from Portugal.

The multitasker of the zodiac, you find it difficult to tackle just one issue at a time. Adaptable, versatile, and a natural intellectual, there is nothing in life that terrifies you more than boredom, so go for something exciting and exotic from the finest cheese shop in town.

 

Cancer (June 22-July 22)- Camembert- A gooey variety of cheese. 

Protective and sympathetic, especially when it comes to your friends and family, you are thick-skinned and not easily intimidated.  A not-for-the-weak pungent, gooey variety of cheese, like Camembert, parallels the mixture of toughness and softness that constitutes your very character. Any cheese strongly seasoned with garlic and herbs also suits you well.

 

Leo (July 25-August 22)- Bitto- made up of orbic goat and Swedish Brown cows milk.

Your open-minded, enthusiastic approach to life makes you one of the most spontaneous signs of the zodiac. You love drama, grandeur, and life’s luxuries... so indulge your palate (and your wallet) in Bitto, a rare cheese made of orbic goat and Swedish brown cow’s milk from the Italian Alps. Straw-colored and rich in flavor, aged varieties (like Bitto storico) will run you upwards of $150 per pound and make you feel important.

 

Virgo (August 23-September 23)- Piave Vecchio- A fruity and spicy tasting cheese.

Meticulous, reliable, and diligent, you are a master of the arts, sciences, and languages. If you could spend one extra hour in the day organizing and analyzing your life, you would, you freak.  So how about analyzing the flavors in a complex cheese like Piave Vecchio, a cow’s-milk variety that begins fruity, turns slightly spicy, then ends with a smooth, distinct, buttery finish..?

 

Libra (September 24-October 23)- Raclette- A fondue or melted cheese that you can add your favorite ingredients to.

You are skilled in the art of relaxation and taking a time-out when you need to; friends are totes jealous of your laid-back ‘tude. You enjoy the challenge of making delicious and inventive dishes, and take much pleasure in the small things in life, like enjoying a meal with friends. Go for something involving a little effort: Savor the experience of making a cheese like raclette as a fondue or melted with your favorite ingredients. 

 

Scorpio (October 24-November 22)- Bianca Sottobosco- a mix of cow and goat’s milk from Italy mixed with black truffles.

Man, can you be intense. You are determined, easily moved by emotions, and though somewhat reserved in social settings, you always provide thoughtful and profound conversation. You’re bound to erupt at any moment, though — so you need an equally intense cheese to match your passionate character. Try bianco sottobosco, a rich blend of cow’s- and goat’s-milk cheese from Italy mixed with bits of black truffle.

 

Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)- Moose cheese.

You jovial, optimistic, fun-loving kid, you. A free spirit by nature, you crave travel and adventure perhaps more than any other sign of the zodiac does. Why not take a leisurely jaunt to Sweden for some super-rare moose cheese? At the Moose House in Bjurholm, cheese is made from the milk of the unusually tame cuties Gullan, Haelga, and Juna, and it’s sold to high-end Swedish restaurants for a cool $300/pound.

 

Capricorn (December 22-January 20)- Whiskey Cheddar.

Ambitious, disciplined, and hardworking, you are persistent at achieving your goals and tend to set high standards for yourself — which you pretty much always meet, no matter what it takes. Stop being such a robot for a minute and loosen up. Some whiskey cheddar will do the trick! Wash this aged cheddar made with Irish whiskey down with a few glasses of Jameson on the rocks and you’ll be behind on all your projects in no time

 

Aquarius (January 21-February 19)- Fresh Buffalo Mozzarella.

You’re an independent spirit with strong convictions and an honest, loyal character. Sometimes, though, you have a tendency to become a temporary loner and dislike interference by others, accepting it only on your own terms. Try fresh buffalo mozzarella, which works just as lovely unaccompanied as it does drizzled with a bit of olive oil or paired with tomatoes and basil.

 

Pisces (February 20-March 20)- Blue Cheese.

Compassion, kindness, and imagination run through your veins. You are highly adaptive and malleable, which unfortunately often means that you are easily led and can be weak-willed at times. But not to worry! Blue looks good on you, and you’re naturally drawn to the sea. You’ll feel right at home shoving blue cheese, typically washed with brineinto your mouth.