HORROR SURVIVAL GUIDE: Things Scary Movies Have Taught Us
10/31/2012 5:50:00 AM
HORROR SURVIVAL GUIDE
(or Things Scary Movies Have Taught Us...)
- If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery that was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad, died in some horrible or who performed satanic practices, move away immediately.
- When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
- Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
- Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.
- If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
- When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone.
- As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
- Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.
- If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
- Do not take (or borrow) anything from the dead.
- If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
- If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
- Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
- If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help
- Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
- Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
- Never, never, never try to communicate with something icky because "there's so much we can learn from them."
- Don't make fun of or play with dead things.
- If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
- When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.