SOME THINGS A GROWN MAN SHOULD NEVER HAVE
A black eye.
You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.
A witty e-mail signature.
Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivation poster.
An empty refrigerator.
Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three course dinner for her along with breakfast in bed.
When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.
A lucky shirt.
Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be. Less than $20 in his wallet. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.
Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon."
Code words for ugly women.
Actually, code words for anything.
Plus, a grown man should never have:
- An unstamped passport.
- Olympic dreams.
- A name for his "male member."
- Any beer that costs less than $20 a case.
- A Nerf hoop in his living room.
- A secret handshake.
- Drinking glasses with logos.
- A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop..."