Alex's Antics

 

SOME THINGS A GROWN MAN SHOULD NEVER HAVE

A black eye.

You're smart enough to talk your way out of any fight you're going to lose.

A witty e-mail signature.
Don't let your electronic correspondence become the digital version of a motivation poster.

An empty refrigerator.
Always aim to be ready to create an on-the-fly, three course dinner for her along with breakfast in bed.

PlayStation thumb.
When they're relaxing, grown men can behave like children. But if you devolve long enough to cause calluses or button-shaped bruises, you're assuredly missing out on life.

A lucky shirt.
Every shirt is lucky when worn by a man who knows that the harder he works the luckier he'll be. Less than $20 in his wallet. A real man should always carry a business card and enough dough to pick up coffee, bagels, and the Sunday paper without whipping out the plastic.

A futon.
Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, "Take me on your futon."

Code words for ugly women.
Actually, code words for anything.

Plus, a grown man should never have:

  • An unstamped passport.
  • Olympic dreams.
  • A name for his "male member."
  • Any beer that costs less than $20 a case.
  • A Nerf hoop in his living room.
  • A secret handshake.
  • Drinking glasses with logos.
  • A recent story with the phrase "So I said to the cop..."

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